How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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