i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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