Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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