Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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