New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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