my being single is dangerous.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
