i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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