I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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