we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
