party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize