I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
