i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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