Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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