I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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