That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
