dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Randomize
