He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
