Your dad touched me again.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
