Banned from zoo.
Again?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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