college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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