Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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