I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
