Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
