I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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