I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
