he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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