yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
