I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
