I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
