I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My ass is underappreciated
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
