I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
