Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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