i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
