The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
