you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
