I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
foreskin is a definite game changer
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
