at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
