i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
