i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
