My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
