You're so nebulous sometimes
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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