you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
