dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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