If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
