Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
