yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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