My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
