you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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