wakey wakey hands off snakey
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
