my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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