dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
