News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
