Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
