If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
