Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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