When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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