I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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