I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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