I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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