oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize