God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
