The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
