I just pynch a tree in the face
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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