Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
